beth motherfucking kirby.

b thang.

SHUTUP in my boudoir

26.9.05

looking forward to the pink drink.

imagine getting beaten to actual death. how fucking horrendous.
imagine getting beaten to death on your way home from a party.
imagine walking home from a party with your friends and having to see them getting fucking beaten up. to death.
imagine having to cast your bodytype as MORE TO LOVE. it is somehow nice and somehow horrible. like when you hear a really stereotypically for some reason pretty rich girl say another girl is so "cuuute" and it sounds utterly fucking vicious.

who cares, really? i think at the moment even hating how you look is sort of shallow. because really hardly anyone is actually ugly. kind of feel like telling myself to GET OVER myself and thank the actual lord i am not one of those people who wishes they were someone else. i mean. what? how can you become a person that wants to be an actual other person?
that's just odd.

also, i am a jealous person. but i actually try so hard to show the whole world im not jealous of it! but i was thinking and i do actually get kind of jealous but not really just wobbly but i never say anything but i dont know why because SECRETLY maybe some people appreciate the type of jealousy i get but what if they dont and everyone is like ALLOWS YOU BETH WHAT HAS THIS GIRL GOT TO DO WITH YOU YOU DONT OWN MEEEEEE.

i like when people are funny and people arent thinking about whether or not they should laugh. EDDIE IZZARD, YOU ARE FUNNY. JACK DEE, YOU ARE FUNNY. CHRIS W, YOU ARE FUNNY. PEOPLE WHO WRITE FRIENDS, YOU ARE ALSO FUNNY. like have you ever seen a comedian you really like live? its so great i honestly recommend it. because you just cant stop laughing and it isnt like over sometimes silly like it usually is when that happens and weirdly it makes it MORE JUSTIFIABLE and funnier.

commentz

24.9.05

no subject.

cho-king on, tails of joy, and bliss.
bro-ken sails, oh we, should bail; let's kiss.

i'll em-brace, the brew-ing thunder and let, it take me un-der-er.

i believe, i-i-in, the search of the fa-awn.
the for-est creature's wild. and so, am, i.

it isnt real though right here this is a drawing i made in pencils you can see that though
i want to smoke a cigarette. the brand everyone's coagulated together at gigs smells like. i want to be really cold. i want to be able to draw my underrated and lovely, lovely mouth. my favourite part of my body is the corner of my jaw under my ear. no really. things like that turn me on.
i can't help thinking that if i lived very much on my own for a long time i'd get very sad. maybe that is just because i feel sort of. well i have these moods where i feel just quiet. and think-y. and vaguely sad but only because im quiet. and so i listen to joanna newsom and then poison the well and it goes rargh rarghrargh and i am all about christmas two years ago!

here are some things that share connections with that time:
1. red lace french knickers.
2. pvc stilettos.
3. cava.
4. drawing contests with little girls.

(if i was writing this in word, something would say to me "it looks like you are making a list!" and it'd be RIGHT. i wish it would just say that and just make statements. it's a far more human thing to do.)

WHEN I'M NOT BEING COOL:
i thought what you wrote in that myspace message was very touching. you didnt try to make it amazing, you were honest, and i appreciate that more than i can say, really. it is astonishing that you are YOU and at the same time really ME also. and it isn't like some hallowed, you know, outerbody experience of perfection or whatever, like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS LOVE" it just is. and you just are. youre like. what. WHAT. and i love it.
you are the outside of a sock and i am the inside so baaasically we're the same just i am a bit more wiggly than you.

right now i am mostly hoping you'll read this soon, and i'll look pretty tomorrow.

commentz

20.9.05

oh youre all so rude

today and some of the last days really i have felt really quite bad and suddenly insecure and i think that my best friend and my boyfriend (what that is what i am calling you for now okay) don't like me very much because they both keep sounding thoroughly disinterested with me (and like they would rather just not) which makes ME disinterested with me and so. i think of things to say and then i forget them and i only remember them now. so what i meant to say to you was.

"I AM SORRY FOR TALKING CRAP AT YOU IT IS PROBABLY REALLY BORING."

also i realise that i actually do nothing at all so katy can we please take those drugs really soon please. and i keep trying to get really really really drunk but it never works. like i think because i always eat first and that is the WRONG order. basically all together i just need to go bang but i wont go bang. maybe i am just hormonal or something. that is another problem also because THAT better happen soon or i'll be a bit worried.

can you please still want to be my friend and love me and can we please take those drugs now.

xxx for some reason.

commentz

18.9.05

GHOSTS ARE TELEPHONING ME.

ghosts are calling my house. says:
it contacted me through "BT SMS voice service"
ghosts are calling my house. says:
which is when someone texts your house phone and a robot lady reads it out to you
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and it said you have a message from this number
ghosts are calling my house. says:
(numbers)
ghosts are calling my house. says:
press one to hear it
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and when i pressed one the line went "boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" like i wasnt in the middle of a call
ghosts are calling my house. says:
so i hung up and it rung straight away!!!
ghosts are calling my house. says:
ANDANDAND
ghosts are calling my house. says:
it was saying the end of the message and said something about love
ghosts are calling my house. says:
but i didnt hear the whole message!
ghosts are calling my house. says:
so i pressed one at option time again and it did the same!!!
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and then every time i hung up it would ring and talk like i had been hearing it all along
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and then the lady said
ghosts are calling my house. says:
byebye
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and the line went dead!
ghosts are calling my house. says:
ghosts are telling me things about love but i dont know what
mnmnmnelella says:
my gosh! that's odd
ghosts are calling my house. says:
AND NOW
ghosts are calling my house. says:
i called 1471
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and the robot lady only said
ghosts are calling my house. says:
you have no messages
ghosts are calling my house. says:
(dead line)
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and now. i am trying to find out about the messaging on bt's website
ghosts are calling my house. says:
and LOOK
ghosts are calling my house. says:
http://www.bt.com/www.bt.com/bttext?com.bea.event.type=linkclick&oLName=link.searchresults&oLDesc=KB_205

ghosts are calling my house. says:
i can only think of three possible explanations
ghosts are calling my house. says:
1; it was luke
ghosts are calling my house. says:
2; one of my parents is having a glamourous torrid love affair
ghosts are calling my house. says:
3; a group of lonely ghosts have been watching me for a very long time and congregated around a table with no lights on where it was rainish outside and telephoned me as i cleaned my house.

commentz

16.9.05

i like that kanye west song man.

remember when it snowed all the time?

commentz

13.9.05

well today was fantastic

except for today i bought two lollipops and they were in my back pocket (i put them head out so they could enjoy the ride) and they fell out and they said "clakCLAK" and one was yellow and one was red and then i turned around and a lorry ran over them.

OTHER THINGS:

ONE) i hate my mother's feet.

B) i found a huge hidden charity shop and bought a dress and beads and a jacket.

TROIS) i'm in love with someone who i think is gosh really actually very good-looking.

QUATRO) i trapped a cranefly in my double glazing so i can look at it and not be scared of it.

eleventhundredandnine) i learnt to drink coffee and i actually quite like it.

P.S.
when i wake up in the night my tiredness sits all in my belly and anything i do to begin with tires me out so completely i have to catch my breath but after speaking to you under my duvet i was okay no problem at all again.

commentz

4.9.05

a scary time.

a few days ago a cranefly got killed and put in my bin and everytime the plastic bags in the bin moved i thought it was the cranefly being undead and then i thought no and then i imagined the crackling was the ghost of the cranefly crawling out of the bin ready to terrify me to actual death.

commentz