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14.9.12
salt.
i had forgotten our love.
not the worst of it. i hadn't forgotten how insular you were. hadn't forgotten how you could make me feel like so superfluous to your weird life. how you wanted to play games, pretending you weren't playing all along.
i had forgotten how highly you thought of me sometimes.
i had forgotten how you were so different. with one photo of a japanese toy dog you bought me, just so suddenly everything game back. now i've remembered one thing, i remember it all.
days in camden, days in covent garden, days spent with me waiting for you to wake up.
days turning to nights so quickly in the winter, as we nursed our comedowns, walked to the indian off license and bought shit, went back to bed. fucked all the time.
you never had any money.
i always missed my bus. i hated the journey back. i never showered, i felt like i shouldn't.
your tiny dark house full of tiny dark things.
you were such a mystery. everything was too hard, and looking back i was so...caught up in you. my mind whisked away by real love. never realising that you were so cold to me. i never understood you.
isn't it weird? i am a totally different person now. my life is so, so different. are you? have you changed?
i always swore that these things i'd remember with such clarity and i guess i do. i do remember it all, every second. but is it clear?
i remember like an old woman remembers the way things were - remembering facts, with a wistful smile. foggy, remembering emotions but not feeling them. what is the point of having emotions about such ancient history?
i've been there.
done that.
didn't get a fucking tshirt.
whispered by killa b at 2:44 PM |
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