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23.3.06
learning
i feel so good today.
so happy and level with myself. it's like nothing else is making me happy, just the realisation of the fact is all ive got. and in remembering years past, tins of orange-lidded spray, oak trees, grass, sun bouncing and stretching off white and red and red and white and the two mixing to make pink or white with holes, blowing bubbles in the garden, sewing machines, grey pebbles, pink dinosaurs, HEARTACHE BREAKING UP WRITING LETTERS WRITING MOE LETTERS RESTAURANTS FISH FUCKING LIME REGIS FUCKING BEACHES AND DUSTLY STONES ARCADES BEACHSIDES AND ORGANISATION. sweet organisation sweet itinery of springtime! o sweet motivation!
so, this is the clause of sunshine.
the rite of impending may.
the tradition, the magic, the empty open ceiling-less expanse of things to come.
im happy. happy without anything else. happy without walking happy without the truth happy with your secrets and the lies i get told and accept because, just in case. happy without making any noise, without singing along. happy alone in my house with the window. happy not doing what i should. happy being made jump by the postman. happy without all that stuff i think i NEED, jesus it feels so good to not think you need.
so much so that if i, with my bandage and applecore, were to stare outside for too long, up at the smudge of the glaring sun, it would appear closer, burning, so warm as to be a radiator in front of you, absurd brightness making my smile, my cheeks get rounder, my nose wrinkle up my eyes close, as we, the sun and i, come closer, my nose overexposed like my shitty webcam, hair up, grinning, beaming right back at the sun, until it's blind soft surface squishes into my face, and me, my crutches, my applecore and i are swallowed up by the burning yellow milk of the sun, enveloping me in istelf, smiling back in the burning sky white white white and white, i'd be happy.
whispered by killa b at 10:10 AM |
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2.3.06
selfish
i'm losing all those things that matter.
whispered by killa b at 4:29 PM |
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