beth motherfucking kirby.

b thang.

SHUTUP in my boudoir

29.12.04

i am aware of the irony in that exclamation mark

i should be forced to have a shower when i feel like this.
i should learn the lyrics to 'celia and the silhouette saloon'.

i seriously need someone to undress me and put my glasses on the side and put me under the shower, when it's really hot.
honestly though, i'm so (much effort put into saying this word here, ifi was speaking) steeeupid, i mean i KNOW im gunna be like it nd i KNOW whyy, but so why do i let myself fester in it? you know when you neeed a shower or a bath (if that's your forté) and your hair is all yucky and you just need one. like that, it makes me feel strange. basically i blame the fact that i am so horrendously lazy. also the fact there's no you, but..yes, whatever. i'm jjust, such a procrastinator, y'know? i just waste my time on this and that and lying on the carpet imaginaing kissing you, leaning on the board and smelling rubber, my book: it's paper and paint. i guess that's wee-ud isnt it? my whole art book collection, it's just made out of 2d lines of pencil and charcoal and ink and paint and paper and sometimes card, and you think it is awesome. which i guess is marvellous too. i like that i can draw. i hope i never lose my hands.
oh, lisa simpson, how i wish i could share your dream of adulthood. all i see is grey, and my life in slices, each with a song of it's own. this one (drunk kid catholic - brighteyes) reminds me of summer, though it has rainy parts. some albums make me fucking cry like hell. some make me smile and remind me of sand.
it mostly seems grey, third story, white cold window sills: this is the only reality i can imagine, vaguevaguevague. my imagined reality is not my proper imagination. my proper one is almost forbidden now. i can't imagine it at will, it is too good for me i think. i'm so depressive! half the time i am dying for my owwwwn story with red old covers, more than half the time. the other fraction i'm okay with now. and sometimes, some grey times, i feel like this.
and what am i going to do? what the fuck am i going to do about it?
everything get's worse with time, you just get better at dealing with it. you can't reverse things, and the only way to make the giants small is to make the city grow.
(thankyou powerpuff girls).
i'll just carry on and like it and whatever, there are no full stops yet.
i keep typing commas in stead of full-stops. do you think my sub-concious is trying to tell me something?

commentz

28.12.04

-

i feel weird.
i started crying and i didnt know why at all at all and i lay on my bed trying to force myself to a reason.
here are some:
1. there are twisters in my freezer.
2. i spent my day throwing away things people bought for me.
3. i spent my day throwing away memories and things.
4. i don't like being away from him.
5. i'm just depressed.
6. a scene from a televised book made me want to run and run in a dress, which made me feel sad.
7. my room is bare.

there are also many memories pushing through my head of times when i have been sad, and times when i will be sad, as i see them coming.
i often wonder if i am mysterious to people; how sometimes i am off and then on and then way too on and then off again; the things i cherish are not like other's. my treasure box is filled with shells and stones and petals and foam hearts and scraps of paper and a torn photograph.
i guess a mysterious person wouldnt be mysterious, i mean you can't see the bottom of the ocean, right? I don't think any person has ever known me, either. such a loss? i think not. I'm not really anything special, even though alot of the time i like to kid myself that i am, or kid you that i am.
maybe i am.
and i have listened to music to often, you know sometimes when it loses it's talent and leaves you with that dead feeling, over-sweetened? my alcohol tastes bad.
i feel sad when i realise that actually you and i are far from intrinsic, infact we are seperate, entirely so, our lives are braided together.
chartreuse.
concierge.
i like to make up stories, all of the time. i have a lot of trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination, in my head at least.

OTHER NEWS:
i finished my stupid mocks, art drained and sapped me of all fibre. even for maths! even though in the first paper i did excellently well, compared to what i think i can do.
i assume i'll get an a in english. not an a*. i can never consistently pull out the stops. never. except, i got a's when i was crap, i should get higher now.
whatever. stupid WJEC.

i have hot ears. i wonder if it's my lover talking about me. i forget which ear is right. maybe it's my alcohol.

x

commentz

21.12.04

i am

i like dancing i like singing i like apples i like boys i like bouncing i like my bed i like kissing i like when people like me i like telephones i like letters i like cars i like trailers i like dissolving i like pirates i like shoulders i like bare legs i like stillettos i like flick knives i like guns i like beads i like sequins i like dark i like sea i like shows i like lemonade i like cake i like copper oxide i like red i like ribbons i like tim kasher's voice i like pianos i like playing vampires i like books i like cold wind i like using punctuation i like being the best i like losing i like string i like when a gift is small and totally perfect i like my tongue i like looking japanese i like red hair i like newspaper-print i like greek mythology i like drawing i like printer code i like static i like when nighttime looks blue on my wall i like skirts i like french fancies i like wrapping things i like being lovely i like photographs i like microphones i like birds i like bones i like death i like tragedy i like writing on polaroids i like the day-dream of being free i like trees i like ice i like jars of things i like umbrellas i like having the house to myself i like beautiful words i like these being the only things to touch me i like car-journeys i like chocolate money i like black cats i like purring i like black i like ink i like typewriters i like old mirrors i like scarves i like glasses i like stripes i like chuck taylors i like imagination i like the circulatory respiratory and nervous systems i like surgical drawings i like 50's documentaries i like clever people i like dark hair i like ties i like chairs i like making up stories i like upsetting people passively i like drawing graphs i like spinning around and around and around until my head is sliding like mud and i
fall
down.

commentz

4.12.04

foster's home for imaginary friends

doo do dododo do
doo do dodo
doo do dodododo doo do dodododooododododooo

commentz

operator

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29.12.04

i am aware of the irony in that exclamation mark

28.12.04

-

21.12.04

i am

4.12.04

foster's home for imaginary friends