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21.7.05
a secret and with you in mind.
im sorry but
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS SO MUCH LIKE good or like those wooden pegs you slot into wooden-peg shaped holes and they go "clop" and the bottom.
like when it said "clop" i imagined the wood saying that in a little round speech bubble and it really appealed to me.
the point is. life: i know i give you a lot of shit but really you have nothing to do with me. youre great and everything mon frere, mon cherie, but actually it is pretty much me
at sunset
with rolled up sleeves
and these HUGE eyes and their eyelashes which go outwards in curls
living.
and i guess that that is pretty inpirational so me.
i keep having vast images where it is like looking out of a window high up looking at that sort of beauty everyone appreciates and i feel so saved at these moments that my face just breaks into a smile and i want to sit there in quiet and just focus on such a feeling. the feeling is like open and clear and i feel like all of me is breaking open and everything is colours and at these times i feel so at peace. so at peace.
and i realise that nothing is really bad.
nothing really is anything and i say to this: it is only because i was too stubborn to learn i am not calling this NIRVANA or ENLIGHTENMENT or ZEN. look at my ZEN guys. but actually i do it by myself.
and when i do it by myself in these glorious moments i want to share everything with some people because i feel like i am watching everything.
and everything fits. like the wooden blocks oh yeah.
the last time i felt like this. and felt so free and observing and i suppose gifted was blackhorse road station on a wednesday at some time after ten
and even though it was cold and grey,
i
it
everything
felt so good to me and so much mine, and i realised that LIFE i do not NEED you for this.
guys look at my ZEN.
i do not need someone else's definition of this. make a list and don't complete it. make a list and do.
because really everything is yours and everything is waiting and everything is ready to fit
and sometimes everything really is so so fucking dreadful and awful and abominable that you can barely understand why you live.
and so today i felt like this. but was unaffected. i sat and watched a film letting the people's voices (like ed norton HELLO i will marry you okay only if luke marries brad pitt except brad pitt's hottest part is the curve of his back i know this film by frames theres this bit in a door way so. dont even.) but his voice reminds me of brown sugar and i let it just soak into me while i sat there.
and i went to tescos and bought chocolate milk and let it wash down me thickly and grotesquely while i sat there.
i talked to people and understood them. i feel so naked sometimes.
i let the feeling of absolute nothing soak into me. while my list sat being not read. and things sat being undone.
and i knew. will you just check out my ZEN guys. i knew and i knew and i know. but i still just sat there.
and you know that was some terrifying incredibly heart-breaking version of clarity. except it didnt break my heart. i just sat there.
and i felt like this :
+
because really. really really. i just know.
and sure there is that self image thing. i guess i think my problem with that is more than everyone's token problem beause i mean fuck nothing would be fun if you were perfect.
but just. the other day i walked down the road and across from me were these three kids about ten. and they walked together these two girls and a boy and all showed each other their stomachs.
and it seemed to me. me in my french hat. that this was so wonderful
they all did not care. and were not showing off. and just were genuinely interested.
that i was like
"i want to be like that" and just learn some how to feel good in this.
there are things (about this girl RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW that actually looks like she does and is really sitting right here right now or she is in bed or in her house or maybe walking or possibly drawing with those hands you might have felt and she quietly wonders while you look at her what she's like to you and to everyone who sees this person not frozen in pixels or a mirror) that will change and are going to change. but i think i have to run out of this soon otherwise it will eat me up like my own wet pink mouth and that will be the end of that.
really. i mean really.
sometimes when i feel so orange-coloured and open cracked open like a softer egg with my hair moving around me and i want to share everything and really
love
everything youve got.
so life; thankyou.
and fuck you a million times. because sometimes i know there is something
which is so beautiful
i am lost for words and i am in love with the empty plain of my mouth and i look and watch and think on this beauty
and am filled with such an unnamable feeling.
and i feel divine.
whispered by killa b at 9:26 PM |
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