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19.7.06
JUST
I spend so long trying to trick myself into believing I like the way I look or I think I'm not so bad or I think "hey this person thinks I'm attractive this person thinks this etc etc" that when I take a really good look at me. At how I look. At how I am. At what I do. I suddenly realise how wrong I am. And I just feel like someone's sat down on me because it feels for all the world like I have been deluding myself. And that is worse than deluding anyone else. And I feel like an idiot.
I do not want to be one of those people who prances around telling everyone how fucking great they are, and how gorgeous they are, and showing off, when everyone knows they're not.
it's like, awhile ago, I thought I was the only person, I was the coolest and prettiest - and then you realise, you're just gutted when you realise that there was someone before you. More beautiful. More thin. More cool. More perfect than anyone else. And you wouldn't even have had a look-in if everything had worked out.
I, am just so monumentally pissed off, that you can try and ry and try, and everything can go fine but it never, ever, fucking works. i still get sad. I still cry. I'm still overweight, I still have bad skin, I still get poor health, I still lie, I still seek to fucking hurt myselfover people from the past and just EVERYTHING I GOING WRONG. AND MAYBE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN WRONG AND I HAVE ONLY JUST NOTICED AGAIN, BUT IT STILL FUCKING HURTS. IT CANES LIKE A BITCH.
there's just so many things that are wrong you'll never understand.
whispered by killa b at 9:37 AM |
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